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Archives for January 2007

Home Teaching Etiquette

January 22, 2007 By Aaron Johnston

InĀ I Love Lucy, whenever Lucy would wreak havoc at home, breaking something or making a mess of the kitchen, Ricky would waltz in at just the wrong moment, give his wife a scornful look, and say, “Lucy, you got a lot ‘splaining to do!”

Well, I imagine many of you readers are thinking the same thing. “Aaron, you got a lot ‘splaining to do!”

“Where have you been all these months?” you ask. “Why no columns? Did you go inactive?”

Well, no, I didn’t go inactive — not in a religious sense, anyway. Physically, I went very inactive indeed. I’m terribly out of shape. Climbing a step ladder could send me into cardiac arrest.

But inactive from church? Not by a long shot. Or as we sing, “‘I’ll never, no never, no never forsake!”

No, the reason why I haven’t written a column in eons is because my family and I moved across country and I’ve begun a new job that keeps me insanely busy.

Maybe you can relate. I’ve talked with several people recently and monitored the work schedules of siblings and parents, and it seems like everyone I know is putting in longer hours these days.

Nine to five is a thing of the past. These days it’s eight to six. Or nine to seven. I even have a friend who regularly works until eight in the evening. Seven-thirty if he’s lucky. And this is an active, family-loving, salt-of-the-earth type of fellow. Not one of these career types obsessed with making a name for himself.

And maybe this isn’t a new trend. Maybe I’m just growing up and realizing what it means to be an adult in the real world. Maybe you’ve been living this way for years.

Either way, it’s new to me. Yes, I worked hard in my previous job, but I worked from home. If I wanted to see my kids, I only had to leave the room that was my office and there they were. It was great.

Nowadays I hustle to get home before they go to bed.

And what’s my point? you ask. Why the ramble on the sad and busy state of my life? And more importantly, how does this relate to the title of this column?

Well, all of this is a long way of saying that family time is sacred time, especially on Sunday. If you’re going to home teach us — and by all means please do — don’t stay too long. Our family loves you; we’re grateful you’re sacrificing some of your time to do your priesthood duty; but for the sake of our family and yours, visit us only as long as needed.

And how long is that? Well, that depends.

Last week, when I was doing my own home teaching, visiting a family of five small children, my companion and I were in and out in fifteen minutes. That’s coming in, catching up, sharing a message, saying a prayer, and then skeedaddling.

When the mother realized that we were leaving so quickly she looked surprised, as if she expected us to stay longer.

“Fifteen minutes? That’s it? That’s as much as you love our family?”

My response (had she actually asked those questions) would have been, “Sister, our brevity is PROOF that we love your family. Every minute you spend acting as hostess to us is a minute you could have spent together as a family doing family things. We’re only going to stay as long as we’re needed. Then we’re going to vamoose.”

But then the question naturally arises. Is fifteen minutes the right amount of time for everyone?

My answer is no. I also home teach an elderly widow who rarely gets visitors and who is thrilled to have us come by and who talks our ears off whenever we do. Last time we were at her house, we stayed for an hour and forty-five minutes. That’s a long time yes, but it was precisely the amount of time this sister needed. Fifteen minutes would have been too brief. She needed someone to talk to.

So there is no set length of time for home teaching visits. But whoever it is you’re visiting I think it’s wise to:

1. Stay only as long as you’re needed and not a second more.

Err on the side of brevity. It’s like theater. Leave the audience wanting more. Over stay your welcome, and you’ll suddenly be less welcome.

The Spirit will guide us of course, but if the family is active and there are little children about: get in, get out, thank you and good night.

2. Share a message.

I’m not a fan of the chit-chatter, the home teacher who makes small talk for half an hour, then slaps his knee and says, “Well we best be off then.”

This guy is not a home teacher. He’s a home small-talk maker.

If you’re going to come to my home and gather my family as a priesthood representative, share a message. The First Presidency goes to great pains to prepare these messages each month; the least we can do as home teachers is share them with those over whom we have stewardship.

And if not the message in the Ensign, then we should share a message particularly meaningful to the family. Again, the Spirit will guide us.

Yes, it’s important to be a friend to the family or the individual member, but bringing the Spirit into the home and strengthening faith should be our primary objective.

3. Love the family, no matter what.

Some people don’t want to be home taught. Let’s face it. Some people, inactive and active alike, don’t like home teachers coming around. Maybe home teachers make them feel guilty about not going to church and rather than having to confront their guilt, they avoid you.

Or maybe their home teachers stayed too long during their last visit (see rule number one).

Or maybe a home teacher bopped them on their head once and took their lunch money.

Who knows? The fact is, these people don’t want to be home taught.

And this is a problem. Because unlike the missionaries, who can simply stop going to someone’s house if the person is not interested, home teachers have an obligation to be that person’s home teacher. We can’t just stop going.

This doesn’t mean we should anger people of course. If someone asks you not to come back, I’m of the opinion that we should honor their request — or at the very least we should contact the proper priesthood authority for guidance. Maybe there’s someone else in the ward with whom the person feels more comfortable and with whom they would entertain a home teaching visit.

Who knows? The point is, regardless of how enthusiastically we are received, we should always love the families we are assigned — even if their dog vomits on our shoes.

And speaking of dogs vomiting on shoes, allow me to tell you about Brother Stinkyshoe (name has been changed).

When I was a kid, Brother Stinkyshoe was our home teacher. And he was a good one.

On one occasion, our poodle Peaches (name has NOT been changed) entered the living room during a home teaching visit, walked over to Brother Stinkyshoe’s polished dress shoes, and blew chunks.

My family and I were appalled. The dog just hurled on the home teacher!

What was especially disturbing, however, was that Peaches had tossed her cookies so causally and gracefully that had you not known the dog as well as we did, you would have assumed that she had done so intentionally, that giving back what she had only partially digested was no accident.

You would have thought, this dog doesn’t like this man, and this is how she says so.

Now, had I been Brother Stinkyshoe, I would have gone ballistic, not out of anger, mind you, but out of sheer disgust, shrieking and hollering and kicking my foot in a violent fashion in the hope of dislodging the shoe from it.

This would have would gone over very poorly.

Fortuntely, Brother Stinkyshoe showed incredible restraint and patience. Rather than get angry, he had a good laugh. And even more impressive, he came back next month to visit us again, albeit in a much more expendable pair of shoes.

In other words, no matter how poorly your received or treated, do your darndest not to sling your shoe. Love the family for who they are. Wackiness and all.

4. Everyone should get a home teacher.

In my last ward, there was this odd policy that “some families don’t need a home teacher.” In other words, if the family is active and doing well, they don’t need a visit from the priesthood. Let’s focus our efforts on those families who really need us, who are in spiritual dire straits and who can benefit from some special attention.

OK, I understand the principle here. And in some places this may be the best way to operate. I’m not going to argue with priesthood leaders who are entitled to relevant revelation.

But on the whole, I think this is a bad idea. First off, if you live in a ward that follows this policy, what are going to think if you have a home teacher?

Answer: You’re going to think that you’ve been singled out as a special case. You’re going to think that the bishop considers you a lost sheep or a delicate member. And that’s not particularly flattering.

And even if that isn’t news to you, even if you agree that you’re a special case, the fact that you have home teachers means that THEY know you’re a special case too. Having a home teacher means “Hey, this person has issues, boys. Fix ’em.”

And conversely, if you have issues and would like special attention but DON’T have home teachers assigned to you, you’re going to think that the bishop doesn’t consider your problems great enough to warrant home teachers. You may even begin to wonder if anyone cares. And so your problems continue and perhaps even worsen.

And therein lies the second problem to this practice. Home teaching is now a rescue operation, not a perfect-the-saints operation. How will we know if a person or family needs the priesthood if we’re not visiting them regularly? How will we know if someone who hasn’t been assigned home teachers suddenly needs them?

And why don’t good people need constant spiritual guidance?

No, the greatest fault of this type of home teaching program is that it assumes that “good” people will remain good and never require assistance.

This became particularly acute to us when our son Luke was sick and needed a priesthood blessing. Normally, I would have called one of our home teachers to come over and assist me. But since we didn’t have home teachers assigned to us, I didn’t know who to call.

What resulted was my calling someone and apologizing.

“Hey, I know you’re not our home teacher and I’m sorry to bother you like this, but would you mind coming over and helping me give my son a blessing?”

Of course the person was willing and claimed not to be inconvenienced at all, but it bothered me to have to pull someone away from his family, someone who had no priesthood obligation to watch over mine.

Gratefully, we’re now in a ward that assigns everyone home teachers. We love it. Now I feel like we’re being acknowledged and cared for and that willing, guilt-free help is only a phone call away.

5. Don’t schedule an appointment at the last minute.

Don’t call me Sunday afternoon and ask if you can swing by in a few minutes. This is inconsiderate. I will feel obligated to say yes, and that isn’t fair.

The house could be in disarray. We could be eating. We could have company over. We could be having a family activity. Whatever. Calling and scheduling an appointment at the last minute is impolite.

If you’re going to set an appointment, set one a few days in advance. Give the family time to arrange their schedule to accommodate your visit.

Last minute appointment setting suggests that that the homes teacher doesn’t consider his visits all that important.

Mind you, I don’t think setting appointments should be a formal affair, but I do think that we should be considerate to a family’s schedule. If you call a family and they invite you to come over immediately, then by all means we should. But they should decide that, not us.

And for the record, “seeing someone at church” is not home teaching. That’s church teaching — and probably not teaching at all. It’s polite conversation. Of course we’ll talk to your home teachees at church. They’re our friends, after all, and we have a special interest in their welfare. We should not, says I, count these hallways hellos as a home teaching visit.

So there you have it, my five rules of proper home teaching etiquette and a rather lame excuse for not having written a column in so long a time. Until next time, it’s all the ‘splaining I can do.

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Filed Under: The Back Bench

World Trade Center on DVD

January 18, 2007 By Aaron Johnston

Until now, I had never seen an Oliver Stone film. They’re all rated R and usually filled with violence too graphic for my tastes. The only clip I ever saw of Platoon was about three seconds of a violent rape scene, and it was enough to convince me that Oliver Stone movies are — shall we say? — not for me.

But I had heard and read good things about World Trade Center, Stone’s latest. And since I had already experienced the violence it depicts, having seen all the horror of September 11th as it unfolded on live TV five years ago, I wasn’t worried about being exposed to Platoon level violence. The movie is based on real accounts, after all.

As it turns out, World Trade Center IS violent, very violent, far more than I suspected it to be. Personally, I would have given it an R rating. The depiction of death is too real, too gruesome. Yes, those moments are brief, but so was the rape scene in Platoon, and it haunts me to this day, burned forever in my memory. This simply isn’t the kind of movie a 13 year-old should be admitted to see.

Some of the moments were so harrowing in fact that that Lauren and I had stop to movie, go online, and read the synopsis of the film. We had to know if certain characters were going to survive or not before we could finish watching the film. It was too close to us. September 11 is too fresh a memory. The people depicted in the film were real people with families and loved ones and bright futures ahead of them. I suppose I should have known that watching something like this would cause all the emotions of September 11 to swell up in Lauren and me again, but I wasn’t prepared for that. So we had to go online and find out what happened. We had to know if the characters would pull through or not. It was going to be too painful an expereince to watch them suffer without knowing if a happy ending wasn’t waiting at the end of the tunnel. Whether that happy endiing comes or not, I won’t say. You should experience the film for yourself.

The story revolves around two port-authority police officers (played by Nicholas Cage and Michael Pena) who are trapped twenty feet under the rubble of the World Trade Center. They’re both pinned down, unable to move or call for help. But you can’t set a two-hour movie down in a dark hole where the actors can’t move. That would be a play. Besides, the people affected by September 11 were not only those trapped in the rubble or those who perished in the incident. Families suffered. Loved ones suffered. And so Oliver Stone cuts back and forth between the police officers and their families who fear their hunsbands and fathers may have died. They don’t know. They can’t get word. All they can do is sit and wait. And the performances by Maria Bello and Maggie Gyllenhall as the officers’ wives is both honest and inspiring. While their husbands endured a physical hell, they endured an emotional one.

The website dedicated to the film has far more special features than the DVD did. After the film, Lauren and I spent another half hour at the site watching the video interviews of the people depicted in the film. So yes, some of the characters survive. If you don’t want to know who, don’t go to the website until after you’ve seen the film. But the interviews are great. It was fascinating to meet the real the people so soon after seeing them protrayed in the film.

Should you see this movie? Only you can decide, but I’m glad I did. It reminded me of how important the war on terror is. It reminded me that there are evil people out there who want to destroy our society as we know it. And yet, there are a lot of good people as well. Brave people. Selfless people. People with real guts, real heart. And that is what makes World Trade Center such a wonderful film. My only gripe — and it’s a big one — is the film’s depiction of a former US Marine who’s participation in the rescue efforts was critical and who, for whatever reason, chose not to collaborate with Oliver Stone in the making of the film. As a result, the marine is depicted as a Christian zealot, kind of a half-crazed god-fearing robot. His character is completely unbeleiveable and probably no where close to being accurate. Yes, he was a Christian. But instead of making Christians look like selfless, decent people, Oliver Stone has to make them seem like dumb zombies. Shame on Oliver Stone for this. Lauren and I were so bothered by it, that we did some research online about the guy. Turns out, a writer from Slate magazine had interviewed the real former Marine. And guess what? He’s not crazy. He’s simply a private person. And Oliver Stone’s depiction of him in the film infuriated the journalist who had actually met the guy. So yeah, Oliver Stone has an obvious bias. Too bad he couldn’t have toldl the complete truth as it unfolded. That would have made a good film even better.

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Filed Under: Blog

The Waste Lands (The Dark Tower Book III)

January 18, 2007 By Aaron Johnston

The third book in the Dark Tower series is longer than the first two and moves at a much more languid pace. It took me awhile to get into it. But once I did I was up for the ride.

Much like my favorite TV show LOST, The Dark Tower continues to layer itself in eery mystery. Just when you think you’ve got the gunslinger’s world all figured out, something bizarre shows up that throws all your theories out the window. In fact, I couldn’t help but draw similarities between the mysterious polar bear in the pilot of LOST and the giant, nuclear powered cyborg bear that ravages the forest in the beginning of The Waste Lands. Two crazy bears show up where they shouldn’t be. Coincidence? Probably, but I briefly entertained the notion that the LOST team had taken a page from King’s rulebook.

(NOTE: I’ve noticed several Stephen King references in the third season of LOST already, so maybe I’m not far off base. In the first episode of Season Three, a few of the Others are having a book club meeting in which they’re discussing a Stephen King novel, and in a later episode, as Sawyer lies strapped to a table, the Others bring in a white rabbit with a black number 8 on its back. The image of this rabbit was created by King in his book On Writing. Hmm.)

What I love most about The Waste Lands is that King devised a way to bring back one of my favorite characters who had died in the first novel, the young boy Jake whom the gunslinger adopted as a surrogate son. Their relationship is a great one. The lone gunslinger without a family and children of his own and the young boy whose real father is a major putz. Pardon the cliche, but they complete one another. So I’m happy to see him back.

Jake’s drawing — or his passage from his world into the world of the gunslinger’s — is a particularly intense sequence. One of the highlights of the book.

As for the rest of the characters — Eddie, the recovering heroin addict, and Susannah, the legless black woman who’s true self only emerged at the end of the second book when her two, polar opposite split personalities merged into a single complimentary being — are back for book three. In fact, Roland has been training them with his guns and the ways of his ancestors, and Eddie and Susannah have become gunslingers in their own right. The four of them form a ka-tet, a group of people bound together by ka, the mythical force of the gunslinger’s world that draws him toward the Tower and dictates much of what happens along the way. Think of it as a mystical version of fate.

As for plot, The Waste Lands follows Roland and his crew as they continue toward the Dark Tower and cross a barren land long “passed on.” The villages and farms they find along the way are nothing more than dusty empty shells of a life long abandoned. Toward the end of the novel, the travelers reach the decaying city of Lud, and it’s here where The Waste Lands really takes flight. The last 150 pages zip along and kept me up at night.

I was surprised, however, by the novel’s cliffhanger ending. Fans of the book who read it when it first came out had to wait six years for the fourth book and a resolution to book three. Fortunately for me, I’m coming late to the party. I didn’t have to wait at all. I’m deep in to book four already.

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Filed Under: Blog

Halls Breezers

January 18, 2007 By Aaron Johnston

I’ve been fighting bronchitis and a killer cough over the past week, and until a friend of mine at work suggested these delicious wonders, I had been sprayinig my throat with nasty Chloroseptic. Halls Breezers are precisely what you want as a sick person: good medicine that doesn’t taste like medicine. In fact, Breezers taste more like a candy version of those orange vanilla popsicles I used to love as a kid. Or at least the flavor I had did. There are several kinds, Cool Berry and Cool Citrus Blend and Cool Creamy Strawberry (all cool, I guess). I can’t recommend these enough. They’re a safe bet even if you aren’t sick. Think of it as candy that’s good for you.

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Filed Under: Uncategorized, Blog

The Thirteenth Tale (Audiobook)

January 17, 2007 By Aaron Johnston

A friend of mine highly recommended this book, and since I had always struck gold with this particular friend’s recommendations, I decided to give it a go. The result was one of the most rewarding books I’ve listened to in a good long while. I loved every moment of it — the story, the language, the world it existed in, the characters with their dark, painful secrets. It was a delightful experience from beginning to end.

Of course, it’s easy to love a story if you have two British readers like Bianca Amato and Jill Tanner telling it in your ear. Their perfomances were flawless, so moving in fact that at times I felt as if I were watching a play or taking a stroll with a real human being as they gave first-hand accounts of actual events. It was captivating. Storytelling at its finest.

I should point out that The Thirteenth Tale is a debut novel. It’s author is a British former academic who decided to take a stab at writing a few years ago and pooped out this on her first try. It’s enough to drive you batty with envy. It’s like a prospector stiking a gold nugget on his first swing of the pick ax. (Notice this is my second use of a “finding gold” metaphor.) The fact that this is a debut novel is also depressing because it means I can’t rush out to the library or book store and pick up another Diane Setterfield novel. There aren’t any. Sigh.

The Thirteenth Tale calls itself as a novel of “gothic suspense” and pays tribute to Jane Eyre and other classic Victorian novels I didn’t appreciate when I read them in high school. But don’t think of it as a stuffy British yawn. It’s anything but.

Margaert Leah is a lonely, isolated woman who works in her father’s antiquarian bookshop and whose fascination with biographies has led her to write a few short biograhies of her own, one of which at least was published. When the book opens, Margert receives a summons from Vida Winter, the most celebrated and mysterious English author of recent history — mysterious because Ms. Winter is somewhat of a question mark. She’s incredibly reclusive. All of the attempts by journalists over the years to uncover Ms. Winter’s past have failed miserably, and not for lack of trying. Ms. Winter is always happy to entertain a journalist curious of her past, but that’s all she ever gives them: entertainment, colorful stories of exotic places and wild adventures and none of which are true. In other words, Ms. Winter lies.

And why, you ask? Why does Ms. Winter invent so many untruths about her own upbringing and history? Well, partially because in Ms. Winter’s mind a lie is always more intersting. She says:

“My gripe is not with lovers of the truth but with truth herself. What succor, what consolation is there in truth, compared to a story? What good is truth, at midnight, in the dark, when the wind is roaring like a bear in the chimney? What you need are the plump comforts of a story. The soothing, rocking safety of a lie.”

And so it is that when Margaret receives a summons to Ms. Winter’s home and a subsequent invitiation to hear Ms. Winter’s true life story, Margaret is skeptical. Will Ms Winter finally divulge the truth? Or is this merely more theater, one last chance to tell a good whopper before the terminal illness killing her takes her in the night?

Those are the queations The Thirteenth Tale poses, and Setterfield keeps you guessing almost to the very end. Is it all a lie? Is Ms. Winter simply spinning another yarn? Or is the tale of the Angelfield family, the tale Ms. Winter unfolds, the truth fiinally revealed. I won’t spoil the fun by telling you here. You;ll have to find out for yourself, but I can assure you it’s certainy worth the effort.

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Filed Under: Blog

Nanny McPhee on DVD

January 8, 2007 By Aaron Johnston

Emma Thompson. What a gal. She can act. She can write. She can sound intelligent in an interview. How can you not love Emma Thompson? I first became infatuated with her after Sense and Sensibility. The scene at the end of the film when Hugh Grant returns gets me choked up every time. I thought she should’ve won the Oscar for her performance, but she got the Oscar for best adapted screenplay instead. Oh well, an Oscar’s an Oscar.

Thompson proves that she still has writing and acting chops in the delightful family film Nanny McPhee based on the Nurse Matilda children’s book series. Nanny McPhee is a Marry Poppins-esque character who uses special magical powers to discipline especially naughty children. The seven children in question belong to Colin Firth, a mortician and widower being forced to remarry by his aunt and benefactor (Angela Lansbury). The children in the film were wonderful little actors who pulled off the difficult task of being naughty and adorable at the same time. (One of the documentaries on the special features section of the disk suggetsed that working with children is as difficult as one would expect, especially when its seven children all under the age of ten, many of whom have never acted in a film before.)

The always beautiful Emma Thompson is hidden beneath the warted and ugly face of Nanny McPhee. We and the children find her frightening at first, repelled by her grotesque appearence. But each of her ugly features disppear as the children learn one of five important principles. By the film’s end, Nanny McPhee is radiant in all her Emma Thompson beauty, wartless and wonderful.

The script is sharp, simple, and funny. Colin Firth is Colin Firth, which is to say charming and British and handsome and lovable. Angela Lansbury did what was she was told, but I found her character a little over the top, even for a colorful comedy. The set design was neat and fitting for the tone of the film — bright vibrant colors — but since I noticed it and found it very Un-Victorian, I wonder if such a bold design is a good thing or a bad thing.

It’s a wonderful film, one we’ll likely buy and watch again and show to Luke and Jake once they’re older. I can’t recommend it enough. Magical and sweet and touching and full to the brim of Emma Thompson, one ingredient Lauren and I can’t get enough of.

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Filed Under: Blog

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